When my union organiser sent me a copy of the personal grievance he had drafted on my behalf and I read it all I was actually horrified. He took my very emotionally charged narrative and turned it into a legitimate legal argument. No wonder why I am traumatised I thought. That is seriously fucked up.

A slightly redacted version of the grievance filed on my behalf:

1. In early October 2025, the employer announced a recalibration of library services without prior engagement, signalling an absence of early and open communication with affected staff.
2. The relocation of the library was characterised as a settled strategic decision that did not warrant consultation, effectively excluding staff from influence over a matter directly affecting their roles.
3. The period allowed for consultation on staffing changes was brief and insufficient, even after a limited extension, falling short of what would enable informed and meaningful input.
4. The timing of consultation overlapped with scheduled staff leave, further diminishing the ability of employees to participate effectively or seek advice.
5. Despite requests, the employer declined to provide financial or operational information underpinning the proposed reductions, impeding the ability of staff to properly assess or respond to the proposals.
6. The affected employee was directed not to return to the library workspace or discuss the relocation with colleagues, isolating her from the workplace and preventing normal performance of duties.
7. Correspondence from the employer confirmed that both relocation and staffing reductions were effectively decided in advance, rendering consultation a formality rather than a genuine process.
8. Although employed part‑time, the employee was expected to attend meetings at short notice and outside agreed hours, including during approved leave for serious family circumstances, without reasonable adjustment.
9. An earlier library review had recommended increased resourcing rather than contraction; these findings, along with the library’s recognised cultural significance, were set aside without meaningful consideration.
10. The employer did not take active steps to preserve the employment relationship by identifying or offering redeployment opportunities aligned with the employee’s qualifications and experience.
11. Evidence demonstrating that the employee clearly met or exceeded the criteria for an internal research coordination role was not substantively engaged with.
12. A vacant internal role received no expressions of interest, yet this opportunity was not clearly communicated to the affected employee, limiting realistic redeployment options.
13. Little to no regard was given to the employee’s wellbeing or the cumulative personal impact of the restructure when considering suitability for alternative roles.
14. Redundancy was confirmed in late November 2025, with limited and inflexible options presented, reinforcing the impression that outcomes were already determined.
15. The requirement to make a final decision within a matter of days placed undue pressure on the employee and was inconsistent with fair and reasonable treatment.

Dr Gaston raises a personal grievance. The remedies sought are:

• Acknowledge procedural flaws and breach of good faith obligations
• Explore redeployment opportunities.
• Compensation for lost earnings.
• Compensation for humiliation, loss of dignity, and injury to the feelings
  of the employee, as per Section 123(1(c) (i).
• Review and reform of decision-making and consultation practices to
  ensure compliance with ERA and alignment with manaakitanga and
  whanaungatanga, including explicit redeployment protocols
  prioritising affected employees before external recruitment.

Of course while it was still heavy on my mind, the very next day, I ran into Tanya.

It was at an opening at the Dowse.

I had to go and cry in the ladies toilets.  I would have rather just gone home the moment I saw her but due to my unwavering commitment to public transportation I had come on the shuttle bus organised by the museum and the return ride didn’t leave for another 2 hours. I tried to blubber quietly but someone actually asked through the toilet stall door if I was ok.  I put on my bravest voice and said yes. The kindness of strangers can be so overwhelming.

On many occasions in the last 4 years I would smugly tell people I had found my dream job. Conroy and O’Leary‑Kelly describes professional identity loss as a grief experience, sharing features with bereavement, in particular with disenfranchised grief. When identity is disrupted or removed, the loss extends far beyond income. It is experienced as loss of self, and like all grief processes, recovery is not linear. At that moment at that exhibition opening in February the grief hit me harder than I was prepared for.

A liminal period follows identity loss.

“The individual is no longer who they were, but not yet who they will become.

Conroy & O’Lear-Kelly describe liminal states as emotionally precarious. It would have maybe been useful to know before I got involved with someone 14 years younger than me. Or maybe this liminality and emotional precarity is what enabled this entire situation. The authors warn that forcing identity reconstruction to early can cause harm.

Premature movement toward a new identity can disrupt recovery.”

“Letting go must precede moving on.”

I did go to therapy briefly after the redundancy but all the therapists told me was that I was doing my best and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Easy for you to say! You haven’t had total professional identity loss! I threw myself in clay to avoid my problems. In ‘Love in a Fucked up World’ Dean Spade argues that overwork operates as a compulsive strategy to manage fear and anxiety under crisis, offering short‑term relief while deepening burnout and harm. As long as I kept edging burnout I didn’t have to confront the grief.

Doka described disenfranchised grief as a loss that is not socially recognised, validated, or supported, leaving the person without permission, language, or communal support to mourn. Miscarriage and the loss of a parent due to dementia are also widely recognised as examples of disenfranchised grief.

While I was at the airport waiting for my international connection in Auckland I emailled to update Liz, our adoption case worker.

Once I got the news of the redundancy in December I emailled her right away to ask her to put our adoption application on hold.

She had written to check in with us a few weeks ago. I don’t know why I held off responding to her right away. It was just too painful to think about.

There were moments in the last 6 months, especially during the ‘recalibration’ (aka restructure without using the word restructure, what is even the point?) process I wanted to cancel the application. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go through with it anymore. Not that we would even get a child – statistically the likelihood was pretty much zero. But because I had dragged my beloved so far through this process already I felt like I couldn’t back down.

So we carried on, at least until I got the final notice that I was officially being made redundant.  Until then, despite knowing the precocity of my employment situation, we continued along with our meetings and prospective-adoptive-parents-portfolio. We had begin the process over a year ago, it seemed wrong to not continue despite things being so much up on the air. However once I learned I was shortly and definitively to be without income, I asked Liz to put our application on hold.

As much as I wanted everyone to know how badly the school had fucked me – how not only did they betray me, gaslight me, lie to me, use me, and then discard me, but they stopped my last chance at being a mother, I would not say this. They would not make me weaponise my grief. I don’t want to use some trite saying like some things are scared, but in a way that is what it is.  My grief is not for them. They do not deserve to be included in that part of me.

Also I am going to succeed out of spite once again by turning all this grief and pain into something more beautiful than they could ever hope to.